Trigger Warning: anxiety, emotional distress. Please read/listen mindfully.
It was my Surgery Practical in the Final Professional Examination.
All my batchmates were revising, discussing topics they expected to be asked. Even our professors—the strictest ones—tried to calm us, assuring us that everything would go well.
But my heart was racing.
My mind was blank.
I could not think about anything.
I had only one thought:
I don’t want to be here.
What I had prepared or not prepared didn’t matter. What was going to be asked wouldn’t register anyway. I only wanted to be out of that place—the surgery ward—as soon as possible.
We were being called one by one.
Each of us was assigned a patient admitted to the ward. We had to take the case history and examine them.
I got a relatively easy case.
The patient was calm.
Ready.
But I couldn’t speak.
I couldn’t move.
I just stood there.
Blank.
My heart rate kept climbing.
I was sweating, though it was December.
I tried to focus on the case.
But my mind failed me.
My eyes were fixed on the exit door.
We were given a fixed amount of time to finish. Senior batch students—now interns posted in Surgery—were helping conduct the exam.
One of them noticed me standing there, frozen.
He tried to help.
“I’m letting you take more time to finish your case,” he said, gently redirecting the examiner toward other students who had completed.
But time was not what I needed.
I needed my mind to be present.
It had betrayed me completely.
No amount of extra time could make me take that case. My mind was not ready to register anything.
The only thought looping inside me was:
How can I escape this place?
How can I reach my hostel room?
Tears started rolling.
I had lost all control of my mind.
Of my body.
The examiner finally came to listen to my case and take the viva.
He asked a few questions.
No words came out.
Only tears.
“I can’t give you marks for crying,” he said, clearly distressed.
Marks.
Passing.
Failure.
None of it existed in my thoughts.
I only wanted to leave.
I only wanted to be alone.
I wanted to go back to my hostel room.
I wanted no one around me.
I wanted no one to know me.
I wanted time to cease.
I wanted to stop existing.
“You’re just being lazy.”
The words struck me like a sharp arrow.
“You…” he continued for a few more minutes, but nothing registered.
He eventually gave up and moved on to the next student.
I walked out of the ward immediately.
I didn’t look back.
I didn’t notice anything around me.
I somehow reached my hostel room.
Curled up on my bed.
And time ceased.
And I ceased to exist.
At least for the rest of that day.
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